


I'm OK

by thesunsetshope



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Loss, M/M, Mortal Magnus, a mess honestly, but he is ok, he isn't ok, magnus dealing with the loss of his magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 13:57:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17663930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunsetshope/pseuds/thesunsetshope
Summary: If anyone asked him how he doing, he'd just answer with a huge smile.





	I'm OK

**Author's Note:**

> Did I low-key write this because I was inspired by iKON's 'I'm OK'? Yes. Yes I did.
> 
> This is pretty much angst and Magnus reflecting on his mortality and loss of magic.

_“I’m OK_

_Don't comfort me_

_You don't have to have pity on me_

_You don't have to stay with me, I'm fine”_

 

It was irony at best. The thing he once feared most was now the one thing he wanted back at this moment. But of course Magnus’s fear of his magic subsided little by little as he learned how to control it. The magic he possessed then was unpredictable - fueled by the emotions of a scared, lost little warlock. As he grew, his magic became a part of him. Something he used daily.

Some could say he was lazy, why use magic for the simplest of things?

Magnus, though, figured why not. It took him years to come to terms with who he is and that he couldn’t change his immortality. He couldn’t change the inevitable that everyone he’d love would leave him behind. So Magnus depended upon his magic, the burning entity that lived inside him - the entity that would be with him forever.

Or so he thought.

Magnus was standing outside on his balcony, looking down at his hands. He thought back to a few weeks ago when he last used his magic. The powerful blast he used to save Alexander. He remembered the feeling, the burning sensation that coursed through his veins. Now everything was just _empty_.

Though Magnus didn’t regret using his last drops of magic to save Alexander, he couldn’t help but to feel...lost. He saved the love of his life but lost himself in the process. One could say that would be an overdramatic statement. Magnus was more than the magic he had possessed.

While that may be true, Magnus just didn’t want to hear it.

 

_“I don't want to hear any hopeful words_

_I can hardly fall asleep because the reality is to difficult to handle_

_I tried to find things that can fill me up, which eventually turns out to be drinks”_

 

Without his magic, he felt useless. What would he able to do now for Alexander, Clary, or anyone that mattered to him? He isn’t able to just heal them up with his magic. He isn’t able to portal them elsewhere to safety. The only thing Magnus could offer was his fighting skills and ability to use a seraph blade. All he had to offer were the same skills of a Shadowhunter. Ironic.

Other than losing his magic, he lost his immortality. It should be a blessing in disguise. He wouldn’t have to worry about outliving Alexander. He and Alexander would be able to watch their children grow up and grow old together. Yet the thought of that terrified him.

Maybe it was because he never had someone whom he loved stay by his side for that long. At least not someone who loved the way Alexander did. Or maybe it was because he feared his mortality would catch up with him sooner than later and Alexander would have to watch him die.

He wouldn’t want that for Alexander. It had been hard enough for him to accept that he’d have to watch Alexander die, but now...well now there was no knowing what could happen. Letting out a deep sigh, Magnus turned to head back into his loft.

If he was going to wallow in self-pity, he might as well do something useful at the same time. Alexander was going to be home soon, so he figured making dinner would suffice. His attempts at cooking have not turned out well the past few nights, but practice makes perfect.

Gathering up the ingredients he needed, Magnus went to work. He decided to settle with spaghetti for the night, because how hard could that be? Setting aside a pot of water to boil, he minced up some garlic, green bell peppers, and onions.

He then placed the boodles into the pot of water and grabbed a pan to cook up the meat. So far, so good. It’s not like his cooking attempts have been horrible. He’s had centuries to learn how to cook, and a few relationships with top-star chefs have taught him some impressive tricks.

It just had been easier to snap his fingers and call it a day.

And it seemed that maybe he called it a day one times too many. He attempted gourmet mushroom risotto for Alexander one night and well, they ended up calling take-out. The sound of the door opening and footsteps grabbed Magnus’s attention. Alexander was home.

“Magnus?”

“In the kitchen!”

Magnus quickly started up the sauced and turned to greet Alexander.

“Hmm, something smells good,” Alexander said as he walked in.

“Spaghetti. I figured we could do something simple tonight,” Magnus explained, going in for a kiss.  

“Sounds good to me,” Alexander murmured, returning the kiss.

Magnus smiled, pulling away to scan Alexander. It appeared he stayed at the institute for most of the day as there were no alarming wounds of any sort. Of course, Alexander could’ve used the healing rune but Magnus didn’t see it.

 

_“Even though I want to do many different things, I become lethargic_

_My answer will always be a huge smile if anyone asks how I'm doing”_

 

“How was your day?” Magnus asked.

“Boring and irritating. I had so much paperwork to get through,” Alexander said. “You?”

“Same as usual,” Magnus quickly said, turning his attention back to his sauce.

He hoped Alexander wouldn’t ask any further, just like the past week. Magnus knows he could talk to Alexander, and he did. It’s just he was tired. Just this once, he wanted to appear as okay. Stirring the sauce, he added in the garlic, green bell peppers, and onions. Alexander gathered up the plates and silverware to set the table.

The spaghetti was done. Brining the pot over to the table, Magnus set a heap of it on Alexander’s plate. Alexander smiled, readying his fork. That man was always ready to eat. Serving himself a good portion, Magnus sat down.

The two of them conversed a bit as they ate, enjoying the quiet night. The spaghetti turned out perfect, which thank the heavens for that. Magnus gathered up the dishes while Alexander put the leftovers in a container. There wasn’t much left, but it was enough for Alexander to have for lunch tomorrow.

Moving past Alexander, Magnus went to put the dishes into the sink. However, he tripped over his own feet and fell, dropping the plates on the ground. The shards from the plates nicked one of Magnus’s finger, causing him to bleed.

“Magnus!” Alexander shouted, running over to him.

His head was pounding. The cut on his finger burned. The pain he felt was nothing compared to the pain of when his mother killed herself, but with his emotions floating at the surface, it hurt like hell. Tears brimmed at his eyes and a small whimper escaped from his mouth.

“Here, let me see your finger,” Alexander whispered, hesitantly reaching for Magnus’s finger.

Magnus squeezed his eyes shut, his tears starting to fall. Alexander was being so careful and gentle and Magnus didn’t know how much of it he could handle.

“Are you okay?” Magnus heard Alexander ask.

No. No he wasn’t okay. And Magnus wasn’t sure he’d be okay for a while.

  
  
  
_“If you ever witness my tears, please walk past by me_

_…_

_I’m OK”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave a kudos/comment.


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